Intimacy with another is our most sought after wish:
…to be seen by another as we really are,
…to be confirmed by the other,
…to be appreciated.
We long for a deep sense of intimacy and connection, belonging together, being one…
Connecting without roots
But… most of us never got this as children. Despite their best intentions, our parents were mostly self-absorbed, focused on their own expectations, traumas, and agendas, and unable to align with who we really were and what we really needed.
Thus, we have grown into adults without the inner sense of grounding, of being rooted, of feeling a solid foundation under our feet. As a result, we still seek, crave and long to be seen by the other and believe that intimacy with another person will lead to joy and happiness.
But unfortunately… it will be in vain in many cases… Only if we are intensely intimate with ourselves, if we dare to enter into a deep connection with our own inner being, then can we really feel intimacy with another.
Relationships are like mirrors
By embarking on an intimate relationship with another person, you get to see how you still have to grow, how you can further heal your inner self. If a relationship doesn’t work, it is because we’re not ready for it ourselves. The failing relationship is the mirror that shows us that we still need healing ourselves.
And until we are largely healed ourselves, we will continue to “use” relationships for the wrong reasons. Such as the need for dependence or being able to possess the other. It is a repetition of what you did to your parents as a child. If your parents had high expectations of you, needed things from you, controlled you, rejected you, accepted you conditionally, then you developed a pattern (a protection mechanism) to deal with that. The same, familiar and safe, pattern repeats itself in your relationships.
Until you wake up, until you heal your inner child, you need the other to complete you, to fill you up, to fill you in. But… there is no one outside of you who must or can meet your inner needs. It is an inner responsibility. It is your own responsibility.
The illusion of romantic love
The whole idea of romantic love (you complete me…) is a delusion. Romantic love is an industry (fueled by Hollywood) and we all fall for it. It is based on the inner emptiness we feel, it preys on our inner hunger. It fools us into believing that this hunger can be satisfied by someone outside of ourselves. We think that there is a perfect person outside of us who will complete us, patch us up, nourish us, and quench our thirst. It is a foolish thought, seeking romantic love is a rash undertaking.
And the very reason why many relationships fail. It is a fantasy, based on the wrong ideal. There is no one who can meet your needs. As long as you pursue this, the relationship will become a repeat of what you did with your parents in your childhood. A repetition of control, possession, dependence and desperate need.
Those relationships are based on conditionality…
if you do this and love me so,
if you make me feel good this way when I’m with you,
if you follow my terms to be the perfect partner,
…thén I will worship you.
But if the other…
…is at a loss,
…has to figure something out,
…makes mistakes or, god forbid,
… changes… grows… and doesn’t like it anymore,
Then it is simple…
…then you go away,
…then you don’t love them anymore.
In other words… then love is conditional. Based on conditions.
Is that how you want to be?